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2003-02-05 ~ 11:42 p.m.
Hit the Sidewalk, Shivering, Stunned
Funny, pretty much everyone who reads this knows what's been going on, so I guess I am mostly updating for my own benefit. Scarily enough, I'm not entirely sure what to say. I could rant and rave, but somehow I don't think that would make me feel any better. Actually, I'm not entirely sure how I feel right now, except wiped out. It's been one hell of a last little bit. All in all I think it's only been 4 or 5 days and yet it seems like forever. I think I ranted about the crossing of events before. The last little while has been like that. Too much in too short a time. Nice and Vague huh? I suppose I could try to explain but I'm not sure I could do it without getting emotional and cruel. Then again, it is my diary, I should be able to rant and scream and stuff like that. Yet somehow I will still feel guilty if I do. And Once again I'm rambling and not actually making any sense. *sighs* Maybe I should explain afterall.
Got a call from my boyfriend on saturday night. The kind of call you don't ever want to get. Though I will state this exact moment, I am grateful he told me. His Ex has being having problems, big problems and in an attempt to make her feel special and not do anything stupid, he slept with her, and I don't mean the kind of sleeping where you both snore. Moan maybe, but no snoring. Anyways, I kinda fell apart. Okay, so I went totally crazy. Wasn't coping well. I picked him up the next day, so we could talk. Actually it consisted of a lot of crying and screaming more than 'talking' but at least we were communicating. I gave back the ring. Told him I wasn't going to wear it again until he put it back on me. I'm still waiting. I love him, so beyond words just being away from him for a few hours makes my chest hurt and I find it hard to breathe. I do forgive him. I love him too much not to. I am working on the trust issue again. Having problems with that, but I am trying. As for forgetting, that will be a lot harder. It's going to take time. But all in all we aren't doing too badly. We spent the last few days together and are fixing things, though I still have the urge to make rude comments. I don't like doing that. I dislike hurting him, despite everything. I hate to see him hurting. It kills me. So I am working on just killing the anger. I'm getting there. Things are getting better. I am currently working on trying not to hate myself. I don't like feeling the way I feel about certain people, I don't want to dislike them, and yet I can't help it, which makes me dislike myself. So in the interest of my own self worth, I am going to stop at that. Nextly, my sister is very very sick and depressed to the point of being suicidal. I've been appointed mother. Taking her to the doctor, trying to take care of her. Then the moment I don't want to, and am near a mental breakdown, I get in shit for not taking care of things and being selfish. On top of that I was already beating myself up for not being strong enough in the first place. I really needed the extra help, honest. On top of that, school has gone to hell and I don't know what I am going to do about it. Or if there is anything I can do about it. Everyone is bugging me about that too. I think I've already made myself physically ill thinking about it. I haven't been there for my friends cause I am busy falling apart and that is plain and simply not acceptable. Only thing that has really kept me together the last few days is, oddly enough, my boyfriend by my side constantly. Holding me when I breakdown and go psychotic, which really isn't fair to him since he was beating himself up enough as is. But his arms around me have been the only thing keeping me sane. Tonight he had to go home and I am by myself, well sorta. My sister is sleeping beside me and occasionally bitching about my clacking on the keys, but in reality I am on my own. I want him here. | ||
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