2003-09-14 ~ 8:48 p.m.

Where am I now?

so many things have changed so drastically in my life lately. I am struggling to adjust. So many emotions so completely contradictory I barely know what to think. I feel desperately lost and uncontrollably frustrated. I have some moments when I am fairly happy and other times when I feel totally worthless, useless, unneeded and unwanted. Despite people always telling me not to compare myself to others, I can't help it and realize just how desperately lacking I am. I can't fault anyone for looking elsewhere, or my not being good enough since I am so obviously insufficient. Of course this is where people will try to tell me that I'm just being silly, bt I've sat and watched, observed and seen just how much better other people are. Do things so much better, so much more satisfying than I ever could. People would say I am better at certain things, but so far I'm not. I have yet to find a single thing I do better.
It's harder to pretend I'm happy and bubbly. I remember I used to do it with such ease. I want to be able to do that. To just turn on that happy bubbly personality. People liked me better then. I was less trouble. Less complicated. I think I'll stop now. I'm babbling.

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