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2004-11-30 ~ 8:49 a.m.
Whispers in the DarkThis has not been one of my better periods in life. As a matter of fact it feels more like life is falling down around me. Reality is suffocating me, problems drowning me. I feel like I'm clawing for the surface, desperate for that breathe of air, and knowning without a doubt I'm not going to make it. Sleep has ceased to exist for me, at the very least for the last two nights, even with the sleeping pills. I lie awake listening to my thoughts whisper in my mind. I don't know how I'm going to pay the bills. It's worse than I let on. I can't afford my pills, and I'm not asking my parents to help. I can't take another lecture. I feel bad enough about myself already. Lack of pills make dealing with any personal problems even worse. I've become irrational, emotional and angry again. I either feel very little or everything hurts to the point it's hard to breathe. I don't want to worry anyone...though part of me not sure if I even do anymore. I still feel inadequate at work. I'm trying, but I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. I'm so frustrated. I feel like things are getting better and then suddenly there is something else looming, going "You better get me done". I can't figure out if I'm just incompetent or still just new at this. This month has been espacially rough, maybe that's all it is. Maybe it's cause I'm not used to early mornings. I'm still trying to come up with some enthusiasm with waking up when my nighttime body thinks it should just be heading to bed. Maybe it's just the boredom that prevails somedays. I don't know. The wedding is looming and I'm not ready. I don't feel like I have time to make myself ready either, but I have to. On top of that I'm supposedly responsible for making someone else ready for it too. I can barely juggle my own life, I don't think I can do anyone else's right now. Goddess forgive me I'm not sure I even want to go. Another wrench in my life, another major change. I don't want more major changes right now. I feel horrible about saying any of this, when I know there are people I care about above anything in the universe that are having more problems than me. I feel so selfish. Like what have I really got to complain about. But I don't know how to help them. I don't know what to do. I feel like it should be like a math problem. If you do this and this you should come up with this...which is the right answer. But it's not that easy. I'm not sure what is the right answer and that scares me. I don't know who to agree with, who to argue with or just generally what to do. I don't know who to talk to anymore, who to confide in, or even who cares. The Two (nothing other than) friends I still consider friends, one is beyond busy and the other...is dealing with her own issues. I know that if I told them that they would tell me not to be ridiculous and that I can always talk to them...but I don't WANT to. I don't want to add my problems to their own. I don't want them to even KNOW I have problems. Isn't it funny....the whispers in the night agree....I'm struggling to be alone, not to burden anyone...and that's what I'm most terrified of. Stupid Cosmic Ironies. It's time to go...I refuse to cry at work.... | ||
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