2005-06-14 ~ 9:20 a.m.

Admissions of The Stubborn



I realized looking back at my older page, that I've only made like 5 entries this YEAR. That isn't even one a month. That's down right sad. I also realized that any entries I made in the first half of 2003 or before don't seem to really exist anymore. I don't know if that is a result of the crash D-land had or not. Makes it hard to re-read stuff I had previously written.

I have problems admitting when I'm wrong. I don't like to go back on something when I've made a stand on it. I don't like to be reminded that I'm being stupid and petty and not thinking things through. If I admit I'm wrong I have to admit someone else was right, and that I was being stupid. It's also human nature to say I told you so. Even if we don't say it aloud, we're thinking it. If I say I'm wrong I know someone somewhere is going "well Duh! I tried to tell you that!" I don't like the guilt that goes with the knowledge that I could have avoided a lot of...discomfort if I just hadn't been stubborn in the first place. I don't like having regrets.

I have issues with people trying to tell me how to live my life. Even if they don't really mean it in that way. I don't like being told what to do. I don't like being reminded that there is something wrong with me...or at least something not quite right. I don't like relying on other people. I don't want to have to depend on someone to make sure I'm okay. I don't like to admit I'm not that independant. I don't like that I'm not perfect, so I don't take criticism well. I'm constantly on the defense. I don't like my emotions, I would prefer to lock them away and be cold. I don't want to be affected by them. I don't want to be jealous, or angry or sad, but it's so hard to change, and I have tried. I try to change, try to be what people want and expect. I don't want to just be me.

I don't like to admit I was wrong. But I was. I should have been more receptive, should have talked it over more. But I didn't...and now I can't bring the subject up again. My pride won't let me. I'm sorry.

 

<~ | ~>
-