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2005-04-13 ~ 6:39 p.m.
FUCKING CONTRADICTIONSThat's what I am, nothing but a lot of fuckint contradictions. My emotional, physical, mental state, all contradict themselves and each other. Even my goddamn birth signs contradict each other. I want to press the gas to the floor and fly down the road at 220KM, but that small part of me whispers about the cost of my insurance if I get caught, about the possibility of an accident and caution takes over. I want to throw myself out a plane and see the ground rushing up at me....but then I remember I'm scared of falling. I want someone to pin me the wall and take away my choices...then I remember I don't like losing control. I want to feel flesh beneath my fists, I want to feel blood, be bruised, then I remember I don't want to hurt myself or someone else. I want to drop acid and feel my inhibitions slipping away, then I remember I don't want to destroy my body. I want to feel a hard body press against mine, the press of a gun beneath his shirt bruising my flesh. I want to be with someone and feel just a little afraid, a little unsure. Then I remember I don't want to hurt the ones I love. I want to be fucked, and not have to worry about STDs or pregnancy. I want danger, excitement...but that little voice reminds me not to get in over my head, not get into something I can't ever get out of. I want to be the center of someone's entire universe, I want their world to revolve around me...and I still want my freedom. I want that little voice that reminds me of the consequences and stops me from doing anything to shut the fuck up, to stop keeping me from doing anything. I want this incredible high I've been on for days, this feeling like I can take on the world, that I don't need to sleep, that I don't need to eat to last. I don't want that little voice to remind me that I'm going to crash. I don't want to take the goddamn pills because one moment I'm on top of the world and the next I'm barely surviving. I don't want the caution of virgo to cancel out the spark of libra. I don't want to live my life, not living my life.And I don't want to worry about how my loved ones are going to take this entry while at the same time knowning I don't want to hurt them. I'm nothing but a bunch of fucking contradictions. | ||
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