Locked Secrets

I'm writing this, because last night my boyfriend asked me to make an entry about what I was feeling, what I was thinking, what was going through my head. It has occurred to me since, that if I were to write all that down, I should perhaps lock my diary, as I do not know who reads this. Truthfully, it's probably not neccessairy, though I still wonder. I actually had much of this entry planned out, but couldn't access my computer to type it out until just now.

I can't sleep without him anymore. I need him beside me. Last night espacially, I needed to be held, to listen to his breathing, to feel his heart beat beneath my cheek. I got that briefly last night, but then I had to go, and leave him in her arms. I couldn't sleep, I can't sleep without him by my side.

Common Ground. He wants me to find common ground with her, other than caring about him. Find something we both agree on, some common thread between us. It's funny, people tell me we aren't so different, she and I, yet I can't find any. I guess I need to try harder. It upsets him, frustrates him trying to find a common thread between she and I. He asked me how he can prove that he loves me, that I am the most important person in his life. I just don't know. I don't have an answer to that question. He shouldn't have to prove it.

I was informed today by family, that I need to go back to being happy, bubbling, cheerful and charming, that I'm too much of a bitch. I'm too blunt and abraisive. It took me a very very long time to learn not to bottle up all my emotions, not to have to conform to what people thought I should be like. It took me a couple of years to learn that I didn't have to always pretend. Appparently I was mistaken. SO I have to rebuild my walls and relearn to always smile and be cheerful.

Riven is giving me trouble. I feel slightly frustrated and stupid, cause I can't figure it out....I hate that.

I want to be with him right now. I want to hold him and be held.
I love you my dearest, if you are reading this.

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