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2005-11-15 ~ 10:10 p.m.
That's life kiddoSomedays, I really think I have no clue what I'm doing. Somedays I feel I have a handle on things. That really I'm not doing too badly, and then other days, I realize I don't have a clue. I've spent so much time arguing with myself about every thought, every emotion, I doubt I really express a tenth of what I think or feel. And when I do I express it badly. That can't be healthy. It's like my writing here. I will spend hours, hell days, thinking about things I want to say, and then when it comes time to write them, I second guess every word, every idea. Scared to hurt someone, to offend someone, to say something I don't mean. Then again, I'm not sure I know what I mean to say most of the time. Whether on here or in person. Seems kinda silly doesn't it? I'm so caught up in my thoughts, I'm not sure I know which direction I'm headed. I could be walking towards a cliff, or standing in the middle of the most beautiful oasis, and I'd never see it. And there are times when it doesn't matter, when it doesn't make a difference that I don't have a clue what I am doing, where I am going. When I've got the music cranked, and I'm singing at the top of my lungs, none of it matters. When I'm with friends, the ones I actually care about, the ones that I WANT to be friends with and we're laughing. When I'm being held, and I get that feeling of security, that warm glow of affection, that illusion that the world is safe. But those times are so far and few inbetween, and all my thinking puts them on hold even furthur. So instead I spend so much time being confused, lost and not sure what the hell I'm doing. I'm sure I'm going to get to the end of this post and want to edit it, to make it 'hurt' proof. And maybe, maybe I'll hold up and just leave it the way it is. Maybe I'll go listen to music instead. | ||
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