Between Worlds

It's nearly three in the morning. I'm still awake. I took my pills like a good girl. But I'm still awake, my mind swimming in circles. I feel like I'm caught between worlds, ideas, thoughts, feelings. I'm so bone-achingly tired, and yet I can't sleep. I want to escape into unconciousness, where my mind only bothers me with weird, symbolic dreams, which I can ignore. I want him to be laying beside me, it's the only time I get any sleep. Listening to his breathing, his heart. It soothes me.

I'm caught somewhere between emotions. Trying to change what I feel. Or at least trying to accept it. Trying to understand myself. I had an upswing today. A good enough one that I did something I didn't think I could do. It made him smile.

I've decided life should have a soundtrack. Random music that plays, fitting the "scene." After all, music sets the mood. Just think, if we had a soundtrack, then we could just listen for the creepy music to know when to be frightened. Sad music could be a pre-emptive warning to whether or not someone is going to start crying. Hell if we could hear the dun-dun dun-dun music start, we could all get out of the water before the shark attacked. Of course, it has occured to me, that if every single person had their OWN soundtrack, well it would be one very loud, mess of music. Somehow I'm not entirely sure that mixing "Walking on Sunshine" with "She Fucking Hates me" would work so well...then again, who knows. And we couldn't have one soundtrack for everyone cause there would always be SOMEONE absolutely hating the song currently playing. Yes I'm aware I'm rambling.

Angel's mad at me....I squelched her high. She wasn't impressed. She'll get over it. But damn my head hurts now.

He says I lie to him all the time. Cause he asks if I'm okay and I say I am even when I'm not. I guess I do sometimes. I don't mean it to be lying, I just want to reassure him. I want to be the perfect girl of his dreams, which means I should be okay. I think I say I am, to try to convince myself, more than him, that I am. I told him once that I Didn't want anymore secrets between us, I didn't want any more lies. I think my current, all consuming, most important, will achieve no matter what, goal in life right now, is to uphold that promise. I only wish I could be totally truthful to him, without having to admit it all to myself. I love him. More than anyone could ever imagine or understand.

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