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2003-10-10 ~ 8:38 p.m.
As The World Falls DownThis is me being good and writing cause I said I would, despite the fact I am still unutterably exhausted. But I don't want to sleep. I feel like I'm standing in the the center of a room, screaming at the top of my lungs as everything gets torn apart and no one even notices. It's silly I know, I most likely just being ridiculous, one of my stronger traits. My family is determined to tear itself to pieces. They are each so consumed with their own problems they can't see anything else. It's just one constant war zone and you are never sure when the shooting will start again, so you live in constant dread of when it does. Maybe they won't be content until they've torn each other to shreds. Until there is no resistance, or anything else for that matter, left. I'm back to being the bad guy again. Getting in the way. Taking up people's space and getting friends in trouble. Butting in where I'm not wanting. I've been told to "fuck off"/mind my own business twice in as many days. I've decided not to tag along when I know I'm probably not welcome. No more "gee, she's depressed I guess I can put up with her" pity time. I will not force anyone to 'put up' with me. I can smile and fade into the background. I'm not really needed, I know. I've seen people do everything I do, most of the time better. I merely complicate things. I'm angry at myself for thinking people should be concerned about my problems. Everyone has their own problems, I need to suck it up and let everyone else be. I feel vaguely abandoned and that infuriates me because I am simply being silly. And I am beyond irritated at myself for writing any of this down. My problems are unimportant, I have much better things/people to worry about, and it's about time I turn my full and utter attention to them. I'm done now. My apologies about this entry. Note: My job description has suddenly changed for the next three days to something completely different. Here's hoping I can manage it. P.S. Hugs and Kisses to my Boy. I love you, more than you would believe. Miss you. | ||
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